step guide to surviving a dateless Valentine's Day
without ripping your hair out -
or other people's hair, for that matter!
Wear black, and lots of it.
If someone else in the office has received flowers,
chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating
expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting
Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of
red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items
Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers
through a food processor, and beat the crap out of
the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank
you for this, anyway).
For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all
that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.
Return home and destroy at least one item given to
you by an ex.
Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having
a hot date.
Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel
is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or,
worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.
Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to
Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the
bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in
anything above semi-formal dress.
Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake
up next to someone - male or female - with way too
much facial hair.
Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364
days. Complain about never having a good Valentines
Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has
labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get
in practice for next Valentine'sDay.