Midlife is when you go to the doctor
and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked


Midlife women no longer have upper arms,
we have wingspans...we are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts,
we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand
naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you
go for a mammogram and you realize
it is the only time someone will
ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife
threshold when you're in the grocery
store and you hear a Muzak version
of "Stairway to Heaven" in the
produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot),
but you don't bounce back.
(It's more like Splat!).

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws
you curves...and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it"
in midlife....jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake
now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally. (more red and blue lines than
an accurately scaled map of the
state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every
firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the
Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry,
bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing
know-it-all teenager and think,
"For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when your memory really
starts to go. The only thing you
still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife.
You start pondering the "big"
questions-- what is life, why am I here--
how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's
no longer a healthy choice.