? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

? There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

? Life is sexually transmitted.

? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

? The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

? Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

? Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the

? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?? Do you ever
wonder why you gave me your email address?