This is an actual job application that
a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart
in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, waterer's available. If I was in a
position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here
in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be"Do
you have a car that runs? "
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes,
so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy
blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.